||[Jun. 27th, 2007|04:01 pm]
"There was a time whent he lies rolled off my tongue with ease, when it was far more important to me to self-destruct than to admit I had a problem, let alone allow anyone to help"|
"One's woth is exponentially increased with one's incermental disappearance"
"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back"
"The parallels in my approach to food and my body are striking: bulimia, feasting on food and then throwing it back; anorexia, refusing food and feasting on hunger itself"
"Be whatever you want, but don't let anyone see"
"Hungry was the same as lonely, and not-hungry wast he same as scared"
"Focusing instead on the sensations of hunger, the lovely spinning feeling in my head,the way i would veer in and out of conversations. While my mouth jabbered, my eyes wandered off into space as my thoughts returned to the ache in the pit of my stomach, the heart-pounding feeling of absolute power."
"I thought:I'm fat. If the terror would not go down, I'd promsise myself: no food tommorow. None. That let me breathe a little easier. The punishment seemed just, seemd as if it might make things better, more organized, the calming twist of hunger in the chest might remind me that things were all right"
"When you coast without eating for a significant amount of time, and you are still alive, you begin to scoff at those fools who believe they must eat to live. It seems blatantly obvious to you that this is not true. You get up in the morning, you do your work, you run, you do not eat, you live"
"We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how to not-need"
"Some of us decide to take a shortcut, decide the world is too much or too little, death is so easy, so smiling, so simple; and death is dramatic, a final fuck-you to the world"
"I had this idea in my head that dying would be lovely, a simple loosening of the ankle shackles that held me to the ground. I would lift off into the ksy, float over the iced white streets, yes, that was death, and I was a princess trapped in a cage, dying of a borken heart."
"I still had my eating disorder, and therefore I still had myself"
"A horrible paradox was running my life, and to some extent runs it still: My only means of self-regulation was self-destruction."
"Carving away at the body to-symbolically and literally-carve up an imperfect soul."
"Very shortly after that, everything fell apart. Again. I'd been able to pretend, up to that point, that nothign was really wrong, not seriously wrong anyway. That ended."
"When I became seriously anoretic for the first time, it was the first time in my life when I was not afraid for myself. Fucked up, sure. But from then on out, I would always connect my ability to get control over my rampant needs and desires to my ability to starve."
"My desire to leave Minneapolis, and my family, may actually have been a desire to leave me behind and become someone else."
"Success meant a perfect career, perfect relationships, perfect control over my life and myself--all of which depened on a perfect me, which depended in turn on me living inside a perfect body."